Mothers Day and the Parentified Child

But I Digress...May 2024

Mother’s Day is rough for many of us. Over the course of the last few years, I’ve stamped my membership card in a pretty big club whose members have, or have had in the past, strained relationships with their mothers. Simply knowing such a club exists has been a game-changer for me.

You see, there was a time when I was convinced that I was the cause of the challenges in my relationship with my mother. She was quite skilled at subtly hinting that, if only I were different, things would be better. Over the course of fifty years, this theory of hers ultimately led to an irrevocable estrangement.

It might have been in therapy, it might have been somewhere else, but I know it was within the last few years I learned about the term parentified child. It can mean different things in different contexts, but it completely resonated with me, as I realized from the time I was ten or so, many of my mother’s insecurities and anxieties seemed to be my responsibility to manage.

In fact, as much as I try, I can pull up no memory of my mother as a safe haven for me. The comfort seemed to travel in only one direction, as I would listen to her worry about whether her cooking was adequate, or complain about which family member didn’t clean their plate at holiday meals. Because I helped her serve and clear off the table I was close at hand during those moments she was most vulnerable.

On the other hand, I remember my dad as a reliable source of advice, and support, as well as FUN.

As an adult, I spent even more time and bandwidth absorbing my mom’s anger, judgement of others, sadness, and histrionics around money. After my dad passed and we took a trip to Savannah to visit her sister, she openly referred to me as her “Paloma” from the Seinfeld episode. I guess it was supposed to be funny, but it only further cemented my identity as “the help.”

In Crossing Fifty-One, I devoted a chapter to a remarkable Mother’s Day, during which my dad overcame significant physical challenges to join my mom and me on a visit out to my recently purchased new home. At the time, my therapist told me he was both mother and father to me which, I’ve come to learn, can make a significant difference in how children end up.

I think I’ve done alright, and on this Mother’s Day, I celebrate Dad. I also want to commend all you mothers out there for doing the hard work of child raising. Cheers to you!

Book updates:

Crossing Fifty-One continues to resonate with people and last month I sold three books to fellow dog trainers while on a trip to Mississippi! A couple of weeks ago I participated in another book club where we traded stories about family secrets and the power of shame to silence. If you think Crossing Fifty-One would be a good fit for your book club, reach out! I can attend personally or virtually and the discussions are always lively!

I’m still working diligently on the proposal for my next book about my prosecution of the pro football player’s wife, and it challenges me in all new ways! It seems criminal trials hold fascination for many readers, so I hope my story will capture all the excitement of my own experiences.

---

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:

Nonfiction: While You Were Out by Meg Kissinger

This is a riveting account of a typical large Catholic family in the Midwest and its internal and mostly secret struggles with mental health.

Fiction: Tom Lake by Ann Patchett

In direct contrast to the secrets kept in While You Were Out, this latest novel by Ann Patchett celebrates a mother’s intentional sharing of her past life with her daughters in a way that deepens their relationships.

See you next month, when I hope to have lots of garden updates!

~ Debbie