On the Year of My Professional Discontent
Very unexpectedly, I have found myself in a version of professional hell. Or at least that is how I feel. I was taken off a trial team and unceremoniously reassigned to a calendar position. It was a position nobody wanted, including me. In a nutshell, I am no longer doing a job I am confident in, enjoy and feel like I have the skills for, but rather, I now feel like I have been relegated to an assignment that is neither interesting, nor challenging. Apparently my feelings really didn’t matter when it was decided that I would relinquish my current caseload and take on this assignment.
It has been explained to me that experienced attorneys are needed for this position. Based on my 20 years in the County Attorney’s Office, I find this explanation not the least bit persuasive. It has been explained to me that it is a “break” from the “stress” of jury trials for serious cases. My response to that is that a trial attorney gets periodic breaks – they are built in to the calendar. I went for about six months without a break (ironically during Casey’s surgery and subsequent chemo) and then did not have a trial for another four months. That was my “break.” Or so I tried to explain. Where I have previously thrived on the complexity, variety and challenge of jury trials, I now find myself mired in the monotony and tedium of a day to day assignment that only varies by volume. I am tasked with representing the State in hearings where an individual is alleged to have violated their probation. The vast majority of these people are chemically dependent, suffer from some sort of mental illness and otherwise live on the fringes of society. The question before the court is “what response is appropriate to this person’s transgression?”
I have been mired in trying to figure out what might have been my transgression that has led to this unfortunate turn of events. With everything going on nationwide in the criminal justice system, particularly the allegations of racism, I have also begun to wonder if it is time to move on to another area of law. Criminal prosecution, with the exception of a year of defense work and a year representing child protection social workers, has been my professional life for over 20 years. I could never see myself doing anything else. Until now. The upcoming year in hell gives me an opportunity to reevaluate my thoughts and feelings about what I have been doing professionally and what I might do in the future.
For the last several weeks, however, my main response to this situation has been to complain. To feel humiliated when people say, “what a waste of your talent.” To dread the loss of personal freedom that this assignment brings. To dread the physical discomfort it brings (1-2 hours standing at a podium every afternoon). However, from time to time, I have been able to interject humor into the situation. I generally default to happy. I always have. It is easier for me to smile and laugh than to be angry. But for the last several weeks, I have struggled to overcome an overwhelming sense of bitterness and panic.
Today, I finished my first week in this assignment. It was every bit as awful as I imagined it would be. As I was preparing to leave work this afternoon, I joked with my colleagues that I would create a countdown of weeks until it would be over. Counting days made the situation seem insurmountable.….weeks would feel more endurable. So, on a year assignment, that would add up to 52 weeks. And after today, 51 weeks. After work, I went to the chiropractor, where she worked on my messed up back and hip flexors. We talked about the new shoes I ordered and how I will manage my posture better. But when it came to how I was going to cope emotionally, mentally and psychologically with this new situation, we were both at a loss. I did express that I knew, deep in my soul, that I needed to be able to identify a way to find peace.
And then, when I got home, I figured out a way.
For every week that I am in this assigment, I am going to find one good thing that happened. One thing that I am proud of. One thing that feels worthwhile. I already could think of two things for this past week, so I am already ahead of the game. The entries may not be long, but they will serve as a marker to show that I still can find value in what I am doing. That there may be a reason, long term, for why this has happened.
These entries will demonstrate that I can change the way I think about all of this. And there will simply be no room for complaining.